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02/03/02 Someone on my street bought the same car
as me. Same Make. Same Model. Same
Color. Squids.
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02/04/02 Several reports in about gator attacks.
Guys, it's mating season. Try not to look too attractive. Kayaks apparently
look female to male gators. |
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02/09/02 The house at the curve has put up a gorgeous
wrought iron fence and gate. I am completely jealous. I think our wooden
fence is coming down this summer gang. |
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02/11/02 The house at the end of block looks open for
the winter. The one on the right that's always shuttered. An RV is pulled
up and the shutters are open. It must be winter. |
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02/20/02 Death in the family.
Dave's Grandmother, Louise M. Derick, passed away at
5:05 Monday morning from complications due to a brain tumor. She was in her
early 90's, an adorable, white haired, apple cheeked lady and we will miss her very
much.
Dave's gone up to Ohio for the funeral. The kids
are sad that Great Grandma has died, but apprehensive about my cooking.
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02/22/02 Apprehension about my cooking proved valid after
Tuesday nights Pork Chop Debacle. Our dog Jemima ate well.
Lauren has taken over the cooking.
Does anyone else think that the house at the end of our
Street is creepy? It's had hurricane shutters up all year on half the house.
What's in those shuttered rooms?
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03/04/02 Things are pretty boring in Indian Waterways
World. I seeded the front yard. Jon Jon got into Poison Oak. |
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03/20/02 We got six Stone Crab Claws from our traps yesterday. One of the
five traps has gone missing.
Next week is Spring Break for schools in the Keys so
Drive SLOW. ;)
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05/2/02 4:30 5.5.02 Intersection in front of Tavernier Towne,
car ran red light going at least 50 mph and T-boned a van. Saw it happen.
I'm guessing serious injuries to everyone in both vehicles. The van nearly
flipped on it's side from the impact. |
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05/13/02 Stone Crab Season is officially over.
Dave and Jon pulled the traps out a week or so ago. Sorry about the smell.
They hosed them down but . . .
The new Aqueduct Authority is open and beautiful.
I think the color scheme of the outside is an interesting choice. It reminds
me of the water rust stains you see in older Miami neighborhoods on the outside
wall below the spigots. Kind of earthy.
Car identical to mine smushed on US1 and Bird Road.
Sad. At least they have OnStar™.
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5\20\2002 Two words.
Spiegel Grove. |
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05\25\02 My neighbor with the pond\fountain is inadvertently breeding frogs now.
At five am the sound coming from his yard of frogs croaking is deafening.
This morning I was forced to shoo three frogs off of my car before I could get on
the road. Some adventurous amphibians have staked out my mailbox as a primo
afternoon hangout. I fear a frog plague of biblical proportions may be building.
They are awfully cute though.
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06\01\02 Graduation Week in the
Keys. Drive carefully, students crazed by freedom are running wild in the
streets. Dave and I are beginning to regret using the "job" analogy in relation
to school this year. Ergo, "Getting good grades is your job. Mom and
Dad have jobs, you have a job." Jon Jon says he is currently unemployed and
is refusing to do any of his chores, responding with something about collecting
unemployment compensation and workman's compensation for stress burnout.
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6/09/02 The Dairy Queen by Harry
Harris park ran out of ice cream. Some time around 8 pm on Sunday they were
closing up shop due to what one person described as a massive run on the frozen
stuff. So get in early from now on and hope for the best.
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6/13/02 OH WOW. You can now
get the complete scoop on stuff going on in the Keys at the following website:
Monroe County Sheriffs Office Or the main site
http://www.keysso.net/
No names though. Drat.
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6/15/02
Insults for free at the Payfare Meat Counter:
"Hey Darlin. You're the best thing I've seen walk
by all day. Wanna know why?"
Actually, I didn't want to know why. I was stopping
in for Milk and cream cheese and had just driven an hour and a half from downtown
Miami. When I am minutes from home after that drive, I don't want enlightenment
at the Payfare meat counter. He seemed determined though so I decided to pre-empt
him.
"Because I'm the only thing that's walked by all
day?"
The old coot snorted and the butcher behind the counter
rolled his eyes. He yelled a few more sad comments after me as I headed on
to the fridge section. A young lady walked up to the meat counter after I
passed by.
"Hey Darlin. You're the best thing I've seen walk
by all day. Wanna know why?"
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06\21\02 White Van loitering down
the street for no apparent reason. Someone's put a stuffed Panda at the opposite
end as well. Bad signs all. Mosquitoes are so thick you can catch twenty
in your bare hand with one sweep. Any day now a plague of Jehova's witnesses
will descend and no amount of tribute to Chango will stave off the coming disaster.
Gawd I hate Wednesdays.
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06\26\02
Thought Precious had been catnapped for about a day or two there. And yes,
there are a few loathsome and pernicious squids here in the beautiful Florida Keys
who are capable of such a foul deed. Fortunately, she was just cat napping
under my bed.
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07/05/02
We in the Keys take the Fourth of July very seriously. Well, we are aware
of the date at least. Locals have been gassing up their skiffs and putting
them in the water for easy access. Once the roads clog up with tourists, boat
is the only way to get around the Keys. Dave and Jon have gone fishing today.
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07/10/02
Sunday was a banner Sea Biscuit day for the Jet Lag on the ocean side of
the Keys. Upon chatting with co-workers at the Herald about our skeletal
urchin haul and offering to bring a few in for them, I was informed that they had
never eaten Sea Biscuit and weren't sure they wanted to try it. If the humor of
that escapes you, read it again. It'll come to you.
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07/24/02
Warning. Mini-Lobster Season
is tomorrow morning. 6 per person. PER DAY. Do not keep going
back out. that's cheating. Keep a reasonable distance between your boat
and everyone else's. Remember the life jackets and try not to anchor your
boat from the stern. Careful in the channels because weird people like to
dive the cuts under them for bugs.
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07/29/02 We in Islamorada have
tried not to notice the weirdness moving in just to the North of us in Key Largo,
but -- could somebody please tell me what the hell the World Parrot Mission
is all about at mm 98.5? Is it for people who worship parrots? Or for
parrots that have converted to Christianity? If it's the latter, someone needs
to snag Captain Slate's bird with the x-rated vocabulary and bring it in.
They offer free parrot shows, whatever that means. Oy.
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08/22/02 School has started. Freshman Friday at the high school has passed.
Sorority Rush is in progress at colleges everywhere. The Mini-Lobster season
debate is heating up here in the Keys.
I have noticed that the crime reports in the local papers
are starting to look like the reports from Miami. This is not a good development.
When you see a Rastafarian [not a racial or religious slur but an actual person
from this weeks crime events] walk into the Circle K with his pants hooked below
his derrière and a gun in a holster hanging off his boxers, call 911. Don't
wait to see if it's legal for him to carry the gun into a store. Assume the
worst and live with the embarrassment if you turn out to be mistaken.
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08/26/02 Everyone survived the Sunset Cruise party aboard
the Jet Lag Saturday night with minimal damage. Some low life scum
sucking squid on shore called the Mean Patrol -- also known as the Florida Fun haters
-- and said there was only one person aboard our boat and he\she\it was molesting
Lobster Traps. We were three miles off shore. Who the hell can see anything
that far away, at night. Obviously no one, since there were actually 15 people
on board and no lobsters were molested.
The kind officer apologized for disturbing us and
said, "You see the Sh^t I have to deal with?"
Yes Officer Friendly, we sympathize. We also see
our tax dollars being sucked into a black hole by rich people living on the coast
line with nothing better to do but call in false reports.
On the other hand, it isn't a party if the police aren't
called. Even if half the freaking partiers are Federal Agents.
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8.30.02 A new store has opened -- at least it looks open
-- in Key Largo at about mm103. The sign says Key Largo Produce.
And I wondered. What does Key Largo actually produce?
I expect fiercely competitive price wars to erupt between
this new store and the Vegi shacks just south of it. May the best vegetable stand
win.
Stand by.
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09.08.02 Well it was the first real test of the Founders Park Soccer facilities
and funeral services and I must say - GET A CONCESSION STAND BUILT PEOPLE!
When Terry West's friends showed up in their ATV's to
pay tribute to his memory, there wasn't a dry eye in the hundred plus crowd.
And life went on for the rest of the Upper Keys Youth
(who we hold a little closer now) with Soccer games on Saturday and Moradapalooza
(A free concert put on by our local young adult bands - the keys are a musical place)
on Sunday. As a parent I was banned from attending by my daughter. Naturally.
So. I took Jon Jon to lunch at Tower Pizza in Key Largo, since he is ten and still
willing to be seen in the same state with me. Life is short ya'll. Enjoy
every minute of it.
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One of the side effects of the 9.11 anniversary was a
ramped up police presence on U.S. 1. Usually, our nations' finest set the
speed gun to eleven over the posted speed. (Don't ask me how I know
this, I just know. I drive 80 miles each way to work everyday. You'd
be amazed at what one learns after five years of doing that. ) For the past week
they've been alerting on anything over five.
While I recognize the prudence of this when the world
is on high paranoid status, and while the nice officer who pulled me over was
fairly cute (if kinda young to be carrying a gun and a badge), it did not make me
feel any better when I got pulled over at 4:45 am just after the big curve near
mm 93.
For those of you following the case of the "Prescription
eye glass arrest" from last month which so entertained us here in the Upper Keys,
the officer did indeed ask me if those were prescription eyeglasses I was wearing.
"Yes sir Officer. They are my prescription
eye glasses."
He gave me a hard stare to see if I was dis'ing him in
some subtle way. I was, of course, but since I am somewhat skilled at disguising
it, he let it go.
For all of the rest of you who got nailed and any of
you nailed in the future, you can take the optional Traffic School online at
www.ByeByeTicket.com
for the low low price of $35.
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9.17.02 Lemme see. Nothing is going on here
of any great significance. OH wait, I saw a man walking the most gorgeous
German Short Haired Pointer this morning. I seriously doubt that he hunts,
but it was a gorgeous dog none-the-less.
And someone has been opening and reading my mail for
the past five years. Last week, they didn't even bother to put it back into
the envelope. Lovely.
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9.19.02 Much activity on my street last night for some
unknown reason. But then, I see people walking their dogs after midnight like
it's high noon on most evenings anyway. So, it was probably nothing.
Waiting to see what Isidore is going to do. I am
seriously not in the mood to batten down the hatches for a storm. Let's just
pretend it isn't there for now, shall we?
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9.26.02 Jon Jon and company found two abandoned
kittens by the haunted house. They swear the mother cat was nowhere to be
found and they waited to see if she would show up for over an hour. End result,
$30 worth of kitten formula later, my house is a nursery again. Free to a
good home - and no Dave, you can't feed them to the snakes.
Sigh.
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10.2.02 There was a man in a Mobile
Car Wash Van lurking around the neighborhood yesterday afternoon. I was in
my car at the corner as I watched him pause in front of my house for a few minutes.
I imagine the three newspapers and lack of a car in the drive might look tempting
to some. If anyone knows him, email me so I can stop worrying. After
being attacked at an intersection in Miami Monday, I am a little paranoid of late.
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10.2.02 Jon Jon found a teensy tiny green finch with
a broken wing in our driveway yesterday afternoon as he was waiting for me to get
home to take him to a soccer game (which was canceled). We rushed it to the
bird sanctuary at mm 94 where they promised to fix it up and free it. Usually,
those birds are so fast you never see them.
Click picture for bird sound.
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10.16.02 Bad bad person out walking
their ankle biter dog at 5:30 am. Now I know who's been reading my mail.
I completely forgot they were dwelling in my neighborhood. Sigh.
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10.29.02 It's the slow season here in spite of Fantasy
Fest, which I heard was rather tame compared to years past. Soccer season
is grinding to a close and Basket Ball season is starting up for the kids.
Report cards have gone out, much to the disgust of many kids now grounded for Halloween.
I received an email from someone who assures me that
Key Largo Produce at mm 103 is, in fact, open for business and that everyone should
drop in and check them out.
No one is sure if the World Parrot Mission is closed
for good or just the season. Someone please email me if they know. I
was rooting for it to succeed. We just bought our Cockatoo Cookie a full sized,
leather, sleeper sofa chew toy and bird advice would be greatly appreciated.
My neighbor across the street, who always wins the "Best
Christmas House Decoration" competition (unofficial), has taken on Halloween and
shown up my pathetic attempts at spook-i-fying the yard. I was sure I had
it nailed this year since he said last year that Christmas was really his favorite
holiday and he was ambivalent over the whole Halloween thing.
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11.1.02 Halloween was a shaving cream extravaganza.
It looked as if everyone with a golf cart had decorated it and was out joining in
the shaving cream wars. I managed to off load 12 Carmel apples and six big
bags of candy.
Our very new Keys Optometrists stopped by after running
out of kids at their house a few blocks over. They just bought Paradise Optical
in Tavernier Towne. Harry and Jannah Landsaw. Go visit them and get
your eyes checked!
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11.11.02 The weather blew for fishing, though
a lot of people went out. We got four stone crab claws from our traps.
Some of the traps had been "molested" -- I love that word, and that's the official
term BTW -- and the lids were left open. Squids. I hate people who can't
play by the honor system.
Dave was stabbed in the stomach and hand by a steel head
cat fish off Flamingo. He caught nothing edible or I would be more sympathetic
to his injuries. He shouldn't be playing with those silly catfish anyway.
Snook, darn it. I want snook or redfish.
Everyone in the Keys is coming down with a seriously
nasty case of the stomach flu. So, don't say you weren't warned.
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11.27.02 Former President Bush is in the vicinity
of the Keys and the cops are out everywhere; more so than the Turkey day Holiday
would normally warrant. The Northerners have started their trickle down to
the Keys and are driving badly as always, thus providing bait for the extra police
on the beat to play with.
Dave and I are in a game of chicken this year with the
Thanksgiving food shopping. He's been saying he'll do it but it's 8:45 am
Wednesday and we still don't have a turkey in the kitchen. Dave's out fishing.
Since he's never stepped foot in a grocery store the day before Thanksgiving I am
expecting the real fun to begin this afternoon. Stand by.
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12.2.02 In case you missed it, December is here.
Thanksgiving was relatively quiet in the Keys. Almost everyone was out on
the water Saturday and Sunday because it was dead calm.
CSHS Band performs for Former President Bush today at
Ocean Reef. Wish them luck.
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12.4.02 Lauren reports that CSHS Band performing
for Former President Bush at Ocean Reef was no biggie. They got fed and she
thinks they probably sounded OK. She said mostly everyone there was kinda old.
CNN she is not.
There is an African American gentleman who is apparently
sleeping in peoples front yards across the street on the ocean side near the high
school. He is, hopefully, harmless, but keep an eye out for him. About
six feet tall, 190 lbs, black semi straightened hair about three to four inches
in length. Was wearing a white button down short sleeved shirt and dark slacks
when I saw him last on the old highway. He could just be doing a nature study
on the Peacock herd that lives over there.
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12.4.02 Dave and I are in yet another Holiday
staring contest. For Thanksgiving, it was the grocery shopping. he said
he was going to do it, so I waited him out. He finally went at 8 PM the night
before Thanksgiving. For Christmas it is the lights and the tree. I
bought the tree last year, hauled it home, decorated and put up all the lights.
This year, it's his turn. So far, no one had blinked. Stand by.
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12.16.02 Dave bought the tree!!!!!! Neither
of us has begun Christmas shopping. No good can come of this sad state of
apathetic affairs. On the plus side, I did get the annual Christmas Letter
out in the mail. Email me if you haven't gotten yours
yet. It's not going on line - ever. So, a hard copy is the only method
by which you can read it. Click
here for
past Christmas letters. They are open until January 6th. After that
they are going under wraps again.
Christmas Lights Report: Bee Street by the High
School is dressed up to the nines and gorgeous again this year. Our little
neighborhood appears to be giving them a run for their money. No offense to
Florida Keys Electric, but what's up with that light display? I give it an
A+ if your goal was to present an eclectic yard sale effect and an F if you guys
just emptied out the attic and put everything out on the front lawn no matter how
old or tacky. Yeesh.
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12.19.02 Fifth grade Christmas concert was lovely.
Half the kids didn't show but there weren't enough seats in any case for the half
that did show up. So, it's just as well. I could speculate all
day as to why so many parents didn't feel the love enough to attend with their kids,
but . . . nah.
For those of you keeping track, no I haven't started
Christmas shopping yet. Monday. It'll all get done on Monday.
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1.6.03 Sigh. I have recently discovered
that it is illegal to drive golf carts on public roads. Since every single
one of my neighbors has bought one for their kids and they drive them all over the
neighborhood, I guess it's a selective law. What ever happened to bikes and
feet?
Most Christmas lights are either down or at least off.
The power company finally took down their eclectic Christmas display.
Interesting that the water company never decorates. Speaking of - have you
seen the cool flat screen monitors they have at the water company now? They
are still using the software written for them back in the 70's, but it looks totally
boss on the new monitors.
School starts back on Tuesday, January 7th.
Happy Three King's Day!
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1.15.03 This week the Fourth graders in Key Largo
are camping in the Everglades. Look above at the weather forecast. Brrrr.
This weekend is the Traveling All Star Soccer tournament in Weston (Ft. Liquordale)
Florida. oddly enough, no one is lamenting the two hour drive much.
Again, don't speed on the freaking stretch.
Martin Luther King Weekend and Lauren's Birthday
have again coincided. No Driver's Learners Permit until the day after for
her. She is bummed. I would be too. What's the correct phrase
du jour? Oh yeah, Sucks to be her.
Housing prices in the Keys have skyrocketed this past
year. Your basic two bedroom one bathroom shack - not on the water - is going for
$230K. Astounding. The only people who will be able to afford living
here will be drug smugglers and criminals. Wait. Those are both the
same thing. And, oh yeah, that pretty much describes the local population
here already. Never mind then.
Was that a dig? Why yes. Yes it was.
On a sad and depressing note: The cute faux coral
rock mail box at the top of Seminole appears to have been smashed to bits.
I've been noticing that a lot of the nicer mail boxes are getting trashed.
What gives?
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1.21.03 Yesterday was Lauren's Birthday.
We are delaying the festivities because of the Soccer thing this past weekend.
Stand by.
It was a fabulous weekend of soccer in Weston, Fl.
The under ten boys held their own against some very intimidating club teams.
It was brain killing cold though. We discovered a great Cuban restaurant on
Griffin Rd just west of World Wide and IGFA.
The latest home improvement craze in Indian Mound world
is driveway upgrades. It's just amazing what a decent driveway will do to
spiff up a house.
Your yearly Home Owners Park fees are due. Fifty
bucks to the usual place. The park looks fabulous with the new gate.
It's well lit, clean and a boost to everyone's property value so cough up the bucks
and keep up your end.
The Jack Russell population count seems to be leveling
off for the moment. I was starting to worry that we would be over run with
ankle biters.
It's time to take the Christmas decorations down.
Yes, I know you know that. I'm just sayin'
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2.9.03 The humming birds,
Blue Jays and Cardinals are all over the neighborhood lately. Someone hit one of
the Peacocks that live in the area on U.S. 1 at mm 89.3. Depressing, but it
happens.
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4.6.03 I am
not sure why, but there have been a rash of hostile evictions in this neighborhood
and others that I have heard of. With home values going through the roof because
of the moratorium on building here, even crack houses are going for 200K.
I think people are clearing out renters in order to sell the houses. It's
heart breaking. When a ten year old kid has to witness an officer of the law
giving her parents a 24 hour eviction notice while the owners of the home screech
profanities from the curb, I feel like crying. I believe I'll be introducing
the owners to some of our other neighbors real soon, as soon as they all get back
from Disney.
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4.7.03
The kids are back in school. The time changed. Watch for sleepy guppies
on bikes.
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4.20.03
The Keys are Jam packed for Easter Weekend. Four accidents in four miles
last night on the way to Outback Steak House. We spring cleaned the house
all day yesterday.
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5.15.03 Concert tonight at
7:00 at Coral Shores High school.
Iguana crossing established at the
Tavernaero light. Four foot long iguana seen racing across the street several
times for no apparent reason. Which begs the question: Why did the iguana
cross the road? Email me if you know, because I personally have no clue.
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June 10, 2003
I found out why the Iguanas are so
lively and fat over by PKS. A local restaurant owner puts out the discarded
veggies from the kitchen.
Summer is in full swing and
the kids are up half the night playing "Man Hunt". Very fun.
It is roach season for anyone who's
house isn't so toxic the varmints die at the door. This means that the rains
bring the water level up in your septic tank and, with no where else to go, the
roaches go up into your house. The Cafeteria at Coral Shores High School was
overrun by them. I mean overrun. When the band moved in after the new
Cafeteria went up, the kids were playing La Cucaracha and stomping them all day.
Horror stories abounded of roaches flying onto music and mouth pieces as the kids
practiced. I saw it. Words fail me. Now that it's been torn down, expect
Bee street next door to be overrun with the homeless hoard.
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June 10, 2003
It looks like PKS has installed two new portables.
They are probably trying to come into compliance with the "Smaller Classroom Size"
law that was passed last year. While schools in Miami are making do with beaded
curtains to break up larger classrooms with the teacher in the middle to project
the illusion of One teacher for 22 kids - on each side of the curtain, Monroe county
is spending actual money.
Rumors have it that there is a wrinkle needing ironing
over the Band Director's Position. He travels back and forth from Coral Shores
High to PKS every day. Coral Shores wants him full time.
The Key Noter reports that the local theater is scheduled
to open sometime in July. It doesn't look even close to ready to me, but what
the heck do I know. Sad that the Cover to Cover book store is closing next
to it at the eleventh hour. Does anyone know if they will have copies of J.K
Rowling's Order of the Phoenix for sale tomorrow, or do we have to hike all the
way up to Kendal to B & N?
Drunk bird season has begun. The Mangos are ripe
and falling from the trees, rotting on the ground, fermenting and attracting bugs.
The birds eat the bugs and get "faced", diving into innocent by-standers and other,
in the way, victims. Duck.
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July 9, 2003
Coral Shores Band Camp starts August 1st at 9 am.
My fifteen year old daughter has made her displeasure at this news known to me.
So Noted.
The shelves at Winn Dixie were all but empty after the
fourth of July ravaging the store sustained. They were down to just a few
gallons of Low fat milk, no hotdogs, and very little of anything else. I haven't
seen the like since Puerto Rico.
I have recently realized that I no longer believe anything
anyone tells me about anyone else here. I have traced this cynicism back to
my own thrill ride over the coconut coals last May. It's just so very very sad.
Stand by for Scalloping season news.
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July 23, 2003
The dive shops are going nuts getting scuba tanks VIP'ed
and filled with air for next weeks' mini-lobster season extravaganza. Everyone
has been out at least twice checking spots for bugs. The neighbor hood gangs
of 6 to 14 year old boys have been out and about at all hours of the day and night
getting in that last bit of skate boarding and scooter-ing in before school starts
August 11.
But the big news is the Movie theater opening on Friday,
July 25th. Bad Boys 2, Tomb Raider 2 and three other movies I can't remember
will be showing in our all new five-plex. Very cool. So if the weather
sucks next week, we can shoo all of our house guests to the theater.
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August 6, 2003
Apparently, deprived of any real news from our household
due to the fact that we haven't said so much as Hi and Bye to anyone for fourteen
months and the annual Christmas letter
moratorium in place FOREVER, some of our neighbors have started to just make
stuff up about us. It's good to know that we are even more entertaining and
scandalous in fantasy land than in actual real life. Very cool. Carry
on.
School starts August 11 and open house for PKS and CSH
is Friday the 8th until 2 pm. Go in and get your supply list, meet your homeroom
teachers and begin the school year stress!
It looks like they are doing double time on construction
at the High School. I'm betting they don't finish.
I am officially in love with the new decor at the Tiki
House on Seminole. I can't wait to see what it looks like finished.
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August 13, 2003
School has started. 'nuff said.
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September 11, 2003
Red SUV driving Satan and her evil canine familiar have
been regulars in the school drop off line.
Shell World bought the Key Largo Shell Man store on the
bay side at the bottom of the stretch. Shell Man still owns the little gas
station \ shell store in Tavernier and a store in Marathon.
Coral Shores first home game on the new field was a wash
out last Friday night. Tropical storm Henri's outer bands whipped through
the Keys with lightning and strong winds sending everyone running for cover.
There is another game tomorrow night, and the weather report looks good. I
believe admission is $5.
Your Miami Herald Monday morning will be sporting a jazzy
new look! The Herald has redesigned it's format with an eye to the busy, modern
reader. They've added a "Five-minute Herald" section that gives you a quick
glance at all the news on the back of section B. The added a navigation bar
to the left of page one in each section, along with many other improvements.
September 15th is the Miami Herald's 100th birthday!
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September 26, 2003
The garbage pick up days change as of October 1st.
For anyone who is blind, deaf and dumb, our new service has managed to piss off
residents of Key Largo by insisting that they have a right to park their trucks
over night behind residential houses. In addition to being repulsive and unsanitary,
this pretty much makes their homes worthless.
You know, the Village council hired this crew, and they
appear to care as much about the people in this community as the Village Council.
My question is, why can't the trucks park on some of that Bay front property
the Village keeps buying in huge lots with our money for no apparent reason?
Oh yeah, I forgot, that's a private park for the Village Council members and their
families. Silly me.
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October 28, 2003
Yeah. The gossip mill is grinding down another
family ... or two.
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November 3, 2003
Jon Jon did not wear his bleeding Scary Movie mask.
Lauren was a Crypt Keeper for the Lion's Club haunted house and then switched into
her "Hot for Teacher" pin striped suit to hang out at the Colony a mile north.
We had the usual hoards of kids being ferried on hay trailers behind ATV's and on
decorated Golf carts. One fight broke out over shaving cream. Trees
were TP'ed - not ours, thank god. All in all it was the usual Halloween fun.
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November 12, 2003
Contrary to rumor, Dave and I have never called code
enforcement on any of our neighbors or any of the handful of people who hate us.
So whateverthehell is happening next door is probably self inflicted.
I don't know. I don't want to know. Anyone who knows me well, knows
that I sincerely enjoy observing some of the quirky and illegal things people manage
to get away with here in the Keys and calling code enforcement would only diminish
this avenue of entertainment for me. I draw the line on property damage to
my house or car. For that I will call the police and file a report
so cut it the F out.
I do hope that pile of apartment trash gets picked up
soon, though. Our new garbage collection company, Onyx, sucks so I won't hold
my breath. But I also won't bitch. Maybe we can have a bonfire at the
dock this weekend?
I have also noticed a trend of screws appearing in the
tires of both the truck and the Monte Carlo. The official count is three so
far and I'm guessing it's not a coincidence. I am here by making it a part
of public record that, should I have a blowout on 836 and die spectacularly in a
crash, it wasn't an accident, it was murder and I want someone to investigate it.
You people are vicious.
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November 17, 2003
So. I volunteered as an Information Booth person
for the car races in Homestead Sunday. For twelve hours of my life the CSHS
Band gets a donation from the track for $35. Anyway, a man came up asking
how to get to Krome ave. from the track. He said, "I'm from Tavernier."
Like that would explain his sad lack of knowledge of S. Florida highways.
How is it a grown adult living in Tavernier, Fl doesn't know how to get to Krome
from the Homestead Race track? If anyone knows the answer to this puzzle
email me. I'm dying to find out the answer.
The mountain of apartment furnishing trash got picked
up from next door on Thursday. You could have knocked me over with a feather.
Onyx trash service still sucks though.
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December 4, 2003
The neighbors across the street have begun the arduous
task of putting up Christmas lights and setting up their famously popular Christmas
Village. Keep checking here for pictures. Trust me. This is a
treat you don't want to miss.
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January 17, 2004
I was bored this morning which is never a good thing,
and looking for info on the fatality crash I saw last night on the Stretch when
I roamed over to the arrests and found stuff to gawk at. I decided to share.
THIS should be pretty darn interesting to anyone in the neighborhood. From
the Sheriff's website we have the following arrest report on:
Arrest Date: 01/13/2004 CAD #: MCSO04CAD004311 Offense
#: MCSO04OFF000388
Name: {Deleted} DoB:10/20/1979 Age:24 Sex:M Race:W
Address:
{Deleted} PUEBLO ST. , TAVERNIER , FL 33070
Occupation:
OFFICE WORK
Arrest Location: US 1 @ 68.5 MM (SB) , LAYTON
Charges:
1 Unknown Count(s) of 322.35.
ALLOWING UNAUTHORIZED MINOR TO DRIVE
Officer/Agency: KELLENBERGER, CHRISTIAN - MCSO\ROAD PATROL - SECTOR 5
Bond Amount: $0
And also in our little neighborhood:
Arrest Date: 12/31/2003 CAD #: Offense #: MCSO03OFF012812
Name: {Deleted} DoB:05/27/1980 Age:23 Sex:F Race:W
Address:
{Deleted} IROQUOIS ST , TAVERNIER , FL 33036
Occupation:
WAITRESS
Arrest Location: ,
Charges:
1 Felony Count(s) of 316.1935.2
RESIST OFFICER - HIGH SPEED VEH PURSUIT FLEE ATT TO
ELUDE LEO
1 Misdemeanor Count(s) of 843.02.
RESIST OFFICER - OBSTRUCT WO VIOLENCE
Officer/Agency: KIFFNEY, THOMAS - MCSO\ROAD PATROL - SECTOR 6
Bond Amount: $0
On a more scary note - has THIS man come to your house
to do any work?
Arrest Date: 01/08/2004 CAD #: MCSO03CAD123015 Offense
#: MCSO03OFF012750
Name: WA.. , MI.. LY.. DoB:11/28/1961 Age:42 Sex:M Race:W
Address:
61 AVENUE E , KEY LARGO , FL 33037
Occupation:
ELECTRICIAN
Arrest Location: 53 HIGHPOINT , PLANTATION KEY
Charges:
1 Felony Count(s) of 943.0435.9
FAIL TO REGISTER AS A SEX OFFENDER
Officer/Agency: MCSO, - Bond Amount: $15000
And THIS one just struck me as sad:
Arrest Date: 01/03/2004 CAD #: Offense #: KWPD04OFF00095
Name: GR.. , STEP..JO..DoB:07/31/1976 Age:27 Sex:F Race:W
Address:
431 BEAVER STREET , SANTA ROSA , CA 95404
Occupation:
CHILD CARE TEACHER in SANTA ROSA
Arrest Location: 208 DUVAL ST. RICKS BAR , KEY WEST
Charges:
1 Felony Count(s) of 784.07.2b
BATTERY - ON OFFICER OR FIREFIGHTER
1 Felony Count(s) of 843.01.
RESIST OFFICER - WITH VIOLENCE
Officer/Agency: KWPD, - KWPD Bond Amount: $0
The Kids in Santa Rosa California must be pretty tough.
And then I got bored with it.
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January 29, 2004
The motorized scooter wars are heating up. You will recall
that at Christmas every kid in the neighborhood but Jon Jon got a gas powered go-ped - thus scarring Jon for life.
He's in therapy. He should be OK but it's too soon to tell. Anyway,
the neighbors are complaining about the noise and driving the local sheriff crazy
with calls. Standby for the fallout report.
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February 13, 2004
Junior High School Valentine Dance at the Founders Park tonight
starting at six pm. Five dollars per kid. It ends at ten pm I believe.
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February 20, 2004
One of my favorite neighbors passed away February 4th. I
will miss him very much.
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March 11, 2004
Today is the end of the third grading period for the schools.
The weather has been fabulous. The colleges are out for spring break.
Bike week is either here or coming soon. No School on Friday - so drive carefully.
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March 31, 2004
God help us. A new batch of sixteen year olds have just
gotten their drivers licenses and cars and they are ON THE ROAD! I saw two
car loads go by today.
Coincidentally, Spring Break is next week for Monroe county so
drive carefully. The little squids will be everywhere and anywhere.
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April 14, 2004
One day left to do your taxes.
Spring Break for Monroe County is finally over, thank god.
Time to start gardening. I think we are about to call in a nuclear strike
on the back yard. The neighbors on the left with the yappy dogs are gone for
awhile so we can work in peace - finally.
Spring Cleaning, painting, yard work - the thrills are just endless
here in Keys suburbia.
A neighbor talked Dave into buying solar landscaping lights.
He staked them into the ground and for three days they didn't turn on at night.
Finally Jon Jon said he thought Dad needed to pull some tab thing that the instructions
said, but that Dad didn't want to hear about the instructions that came with the
box. I disassembled them, pulled the tab and they work now.
:::Shaking head:::
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April 21, 2004
I haven't seen any arrest reports on any of our neighbors in the
past few weeks, which means we're probably due. Someone dumped a golf cart
in the canal behind the office building next to the Hammock Shop.
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May 11, 2004
Sucks to be right but the brief lull in neighborhood arrests ended
last week and thus far three of our erstwhile neighbors have been cuffed and processed
by Monroe Counties finest. What's up with that nineteen year old waitress
three streets up? This is like the second time she's been arrested for driving
like a criminal. Seek help.
It's official. Dave has completed his EMT training and is
now fully certified to assist in a medical emergency. He's been volunteering
with the local ambulance crew and Mariner's emergency room. There's more I
could say, but I think I'll save it for the Christmas letter. Just try not
to get sick, K?
I have taken on the job of walking "Crystal the wonder dog" for
the late night, bedtime bathroom break. Someone flipped on brights, sped up
and nearly smushed us the night before last on Seminole. When I find
out who it was, me and Crystal will be making a special bathroom stop at their house
every night from now on. Eat more tacos pupster - fuel up.
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May 31, 2004
School is out and everyone is in hiding from the tourists - except
me because I had to do the shopping and ferry Lauren to work and back. Everyone
has their little boat in the water and is getting around that way.
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June 8, 2004
I probably shouldn't even mention this because someone is bound
to get pissed and sue me, but for future generations I MUST. What motivates
people to use their car to walk their dog? Are they disabled? If so
I apologize for even mentioning it. If not please don't. Get a bike
if walking sucks for you. Hire a kid to walk your dog.
It's just sad. At least they had the window rolled
down and they were holding the leash. I guess it could have been worse. They
could have tied it to the rear bumper.
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August 11, 2004
School canceled till Monday.
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August 14, 2004
Precious fell off the second floor balcony today and scared the
hell out of me. X-rays show no fractures but she's bruised up a bit and limping.
Precious is now in a cage. A nice safe inside cage.
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August 26, 2004
Hurricane Charley did not hit the upper Keys. It is gone
now. Take down the freaking storm shutters. Hurricane is not freaking
Christmas Season where you put the shit up on your house and just leave it until
it rots off. You may actually NEED those shutters again someday. Take
them down and store them.
Yeesh.
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September 11, 2004
OK. So they needed to leave the shutters up. Hell
at this rate we'll be putting the Christmas lights up over the damn shutters.
The Keys are the domain of the natives now. Not very many people in the Upper
Keys evacuated. The neighbors have all battened down the hatches and are waiting
to see what Ivan is going to do. We ride up and down US1 -- because we can.
Winn Dixie is open for business but everything else is closed. No paper today.
Damn.
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November 2, 2004
Halloween was a fabulous success all up and down the haunted Keys.
the neighbors one street over created a haunted forest and pretty much every one
went the extra mile to decorate and get out to socialize. The kids all behaved
like kids and the adults all behaved like kids. The UPS Golf Cart and matching
costumes were my favorite.
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November 23, 2004
Sigh. No. I haven't bought a turkey yet. I was
going to shop tomorrow (Wednesday). I was taking a vacation day - but now?
Not. We were going to take the boat out and boat camp off some random Key.
But now? Not. Because I have to work.
Next subject [and in a warped way, related]:
Our neighborhood has reached critical mass for dog population
and the nightly dog walking ritual has just gotten weird. While no one wants
to see a grown man walking a poodle, we here in the keys will let the poodle walking
go. At least poodle-poo is manageable in size. But lately I have seen
more and more "big" dogs being walked and there are poo-piles forming that are beginning
to make that cell phone scene in Jurassic Park III look preferable.
Watch where you step.
And then . . .
It's time to take the "Open" banner down from the facade of The
Copper Kettle. It is old, faded and drooping sadly.
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July 3, 2005
Getting ready for the 4th. The Herald posted this warning:
The Keys are a madhouse every freaking Fourth of July. Memorial day was a
complete zoo. But the Sandbar bordering the Whale Harbor Channel between Holiday
Isle and Whale Harbor Is the KING of all zoos. The police are ready. The press
is doing their part to get it under control. Will it work? Probably not.
Quote:
Herald
Monroe County Sheriff's Lt. Tom Brazil thought he'd seen it all when he came across
several people hanging from hooks one afternoon along the popular Whale Harbor Channel
sandbar off Islamorada.
"They had a tripod set up. They were using what looked like meat hooks through the
back part of their flesh around their shoulders, and they were lifting each other
up," Brazil said. "That was probably the weirdest thing I ever saw at the sandbar."
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Mid July - 2005:
I am ignoring the storm debris ... and the "get the hell off your lazy butt and
clean up all the tree stuff" glares of my neighbors. Emily is on a very bad
track for us. Dennis didn't worry me. Emily ... kinda worries me.
We are ignoring Emily and going to Homosassa this weekend to scallop.
Interestingly enough, all of our friends seem to be planning to come down
here for mini lobster season. In years past they (being in Vero and Pt. St.
Lucie) have been happy to dive at midnight, discarding 9 out of 10 lobsters because
of eggs, to get one or two very large lobsters. We keep pointing out that:
a. Diving conditions suck up there.
b. They don't get as many bugs and work ten times as hard for them.
c. They can't take snorkeling friends because it's dark, cold and deep.
This year they see the wisdom of a dawn launch, all day boat party and more, but
smaller lobsters. In spit of the crazed day tripping reef rapists, I love
Mini-lobster season in the Keys.
Drivers on the Stretch are seriously distracted by the construction. The death
last week in the head-on ... HAD to have been because the woman was looking
at the heavy equipment and not the road. Just Say'n. Also, no seat belt.
Time to update the death count sign, BTW.
What else? Ahh. The Buzzard's Roost? Is fair food but awesome
service. Snappers is great food but abysmal service. They both cost
the same ($100 for two) but we'll probably return to the Buzzard more frequently
from here on out.
Coral Shores HS is a drug infested hell. With a constant admin turnover, it
appears no one is responsible for the train wreck that has become the upper Keys
High school.
My new neighbor one street over paid 3.3 mill for his house. Much hope was
expressed that he would paint it some other color than the god-awful green it was
and he painted it a different god-awful green. I have no room to talk.
Our house needs a paint job in the worst way. But gossip is our world in the
islands so I pass these miniscule little tidbits along.
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Neighborhood Watch: July 25th, 2005
Overheard at the local Publix this weekend:
Some poor guy apparently has new neighbors. One day after
moving in the fight was on in English and in Spanish, inside and outside between
the men of the house (mostly). Half the crew slept in their cars once everyone
finally passed out around 2pm. He's hoping they're just weekenders.
Also at Publix: I have noticed that we are getting a better
class of tourists shopping the deli section and I'm starting to rethink my wardrobe
selections for the Sunday foray into grocery store hell.
On the highway: Traffic is unbelievable with all the Mini-lobster
season tourists creeping their way down into the Keys for the two day sprint this
Wednesday and Thursday. Captain Skip of the Blue Chip II -- while well liked
and popular amongst the locals and tourists -- is drawing ire by announcing on his
local radio show that the conditions as spectacular and encouraging everyone to
"come on down"! Bad craziness, man. Shhhh. The charter boats are
all booked. Hotels are at capacity. To my fellow boaters I beg you to
read the rules of the water and be courteous lobster killers.
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August 7th, 2005
School started!
More and more houses in our area have the hurricane shutters
up for the summer, indicating that we have more and more winter residents as opposed
to year round. It's kind of depressing.
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